Rules of the Universe: Better teachers than I.

Being the fantastic teacher and not-at-all-conceited Universal Professor that I am, I recognize that there are better teachers out there than I. Here are a few people who have helped me, and can help you, to better understand this universe of ours:

#1 Ozzy Osbourne



Think about it before you write me off as a stupid fan-boy. (Which I do not deny)Ozzy is in his 60's now, he's had a plane crash into his bus while he was in it, he was in numerous car and ATV accidents, consumed more drugs and alcohol than should be humanly possible, and it hasn't left a mark on him. Granted, a lot probably has to do with plastic surgery.

However, if you look at his history, he gets a little more interesting than your generic rock-star druggie immortal. He grew up in Birmingham, England. Post WWII Birmingham England. What wasn't rubble and smoldering ash was industrial nightmares and cemeteries. Actually, the Oz Man once said something to the tune of, "[...]The people on the radio were singing 'When you go to San Francisco, be sure to wear flowers in your hair', and we [Sabbath] were thinking, 'What the fuck?' because the only fucking flowers we saw in Birmingham were on a fucking gravestone."

That pretty much says it all right there. He grew up in a post-war industrial nightmare, where literally everything was pitted against him. He didn't even wear shoes most of the time because he just plain couldn't afford fucking shoes.

But through it all, first the apocalyptic nightmare of a childhood, then the fact that he, and three other men lived in a small van for several years, then the drugs, then the obesity and STD's, and finally The Osbournes, he survived. That's got to tell you something. Maybe we should all start eating live doves for breakfast.

#2: Samuel L. 'Motherfucking' Jackson



He is Samuel L. Jackson. 'Nuff said.


#3: Pimp Daddy Clinton



Alright. Here we go.

Lead America through one of the strongest economies we've ever seen? Check.

Play the saxophone on live tv then (kinda) admit to gettin' down with the ganja? Check.

Monica Lewinski. Need I say more? Check.

Oh yeah.

An Open Letter to All Americans:

Tonight, my friends, marks a special occasion. Tonight, our government, whom we put our trust and faith in, may make the decision to piddle away our free speech, because Lil Wayne and the fatcats in Hollywood didn't get to buy their fourth gold-plated yachtcopter. If anyone out there takes anything I say seriously, please, take this: If the SOPA bill is drafted into law, we can no longer accept the current regime as the true American Government. They don't abide by our laws, they don't abide by our wishes. They simply do whatever they want to do.

If this bill is passed, then I want it to be known that I officially renounce any current government official, or police office's authority over me. My actions will thereby be justified by anyone who calls themselves a Patriot. Stand with me, brothers and sisters, and let our voices be heard.

The First Rule of the Universe

Well, I suppose it's less a Rule of the Universe, so much as it is a
Rule of Adulthood. I am young, I admit. I'm 20 years old, going on 21. I'm hardly, by many people's standards, an adult.

I feel like an adult. I live on my own. I am responsible for all of my own decisions and actions, good or bad. I alone control my fate. The predicament, however, is that by everyone older than me, I am treated like a child. When my girlfriend and I went searching for an apartment, the first landlord we went to told us that we can't "play house" and that this was a "serious offer". He went on to explain that we will be expected to pay rent, every month, we can't miss it. What he didn't know was that this would have been my third apartment already. I file my own taxes, drink coffee in the morning, and do...other...grown up type things. Sometimes I comb my hair, even.

Yet those who are younger than me, expect me to be just like their dad. The teenagers think that I'm just on-top of everything. I'll always have food in the kitchen, all of my bills will always be paid, and I have a seemingly endless supply of money, that I don't end up wasting on silly useless things

Especially not this. Never this.

But my addiction to useless toys aside, being in that transitional period has opened up my eyes to a lot of things. When I was young(er) I never thought about the consequences of my actions. I'd stay out all night, never bother doing homework, and, most of the time, not even attending school. Then, one terrible day, life decided, "Alright, kid, you'

re on your own now." Just like that, I was thrust into the world of responsibility and problem-solving. I actually care about my college work. I try as hard as I can to make that good grade. I care about my money, now, and I've been working twice as hard to change my gold-hoarding ability from countless RPG's into the real world.

Precious, precious gold

But I'm sure I don't have to tell you, it's easier said than done.

So what's the point?

The point is, adulthood isn't something that just happens. No matter how old you are, adult is a feeling. Nobody can tell you when you're an adult, you just are one, gradually. Some are good at it, some aren't. That's all there is to it. So, if I can give any youngsters any advice, it's that being an adult kinda blows. Try not to do it, if you can. And to you older folks, stop calling me 'kiddo', I have a goatee and a teeeeny baldspot, you ass.