Rules of the Universe: Better teachers than I.

Being the fantastic teacher and not-at-all-conceited Universal Professor that I am, I recognize that there are better teachers out there than I. Here are a few people who have helped me, and can help you, to better understand this universe of ours:

#1 Ozzy Osbourne



Think about it before you write me off as a stupid fan-boy. (Which I do not deny)Ozzy is in his 60's now, he's had a plane crash into his bus while he was in it, he was in numerous car and ATV accidents, consumed more drugs and alcohol than should be humanly possible, and it hasn't left a mark on him. Granted, a lot probably has to do with plastic surgery.

However, if you look at his history, he gets a little more interesting than your generic rock-star druggie immortal. He grew up in Birmingham, England. Post WWII Birmingham England. What wasn't rubble and smoldering ash was industrial nightmares and cemeteries. Actually, the Oz Man once said something to the tune of, "[...]The people on the radio were singing 'When you go to San Francisco, be sure to wear flowers in your hair', and we [Sabbath] were thinking, 'What the fuck?' because the only fucking flowers we saw in Birmingham were on a fucking gravestone."

That pretty much says it all right there. He grew up in a post-war industrial nightmare, where literally everything was pitted against him. He didn't even wear shoes most of the time because he just plain couldn't afford fucking shoes.

But through it all, first the apocalyptic nightmare of a childhood, then the fact that he, and three other men lived in a small van for several years, then the drugs, then the obesity and STD's, and finally The Osbournes, he survived. That's got to tell you something. Maybe we should all start eating live doves for breakfast.

#2: Samuel L. 'Motherfucking' Jackson



He is Samuel L. Jackson. 'Nuff said.


#3: Pimp Daddy Clinton



Alright. Here we go.

Lead America through one of the strongest economies we've ever seen? Check.

Play the saxophone on live tv then (kinda) admit to gettin' down with the ganja? Check.

Monica Lewinski. Need I say more? Check.

Oh yeah.